What depression is…

So I’m dealing with a situation that is causing me to battle my depression harder then normal. In my head I don’t want to hurt myself… in my heart the pain is so bad that I feel like shattered glass is inside my soul. I try to smile and tears roll down instead. I can handle not having my family , a father, sisters, a mother but to lose another person I held close was like the breaking point. 

For the last month or two I watched him use drugs I saw how he acted. What he failed to see during his new state of mind was how he acted. My world starting becoming two different relationships. One that in front of people he treated me like a queen. When he wasn’t craving or angry he loved me with more love then I ever felt. Sadly the wind changed directions and then it was like winter. He became cold and mean, he expected more and when not given it I was worthless. Comment started with calling me mediocre, calling me my mother, insulting my good behavior, he would punish me by doing stuff that would hurt me .. mentioning how I had three kids by three dads and pointing out how sick I must be to do that. Every flaw I have he hit upon.. then the wind changed again and he would be sweet and kind and tell me he loves me. Every time the wind changed directions he became worse… now I know how this plays out. 

Last year he left me homeless and pregnant until two weeks before I had Ben. Then four weeks into having Ben he failed a drug test and went back to jail on a violation for four months. I know what will keep happening if I sit here and watch the seasons change without doing anything… 

So I gave up, I left thinking it would be better. Every move I make he finds a way to make my life harder , he wants to hurt me… why doesn’t he see it? My heart is shattered , why grind the glass deeper into my soul. Don’t I deserve happiness? 

If you ask him he will say yes I do but if you watch his actions you will see he is putting road blocks up so I can’t recover without him. 

So now I am here with an apartment I can’t afford this months rent, no car because he needed it more, no job, no internet because he cut that off today , and $20 in my pocket to figure out how I’m going to get back on my feet with a ten month old.

This is one of those times I have to take shit and magically make it into lemonade … yet I’m so broken with nothing I don’t even have the money to buy the lemons… 

Breaking up is hard, having a broken heart that was already made of glass hurts deeper then you can imagine.. recovering from losing everything and having not one family member to turn to for help… devastating.

This is what depression looks like.. it hurts, its ugly and I hope I find my strength to beat it but I’m having a hard time finding a reason to keep fighting. 

A Dented Can

One thought on “What depression is…

  1. My heart goes out to you, I’ve been there done that, hell, I bought the drugs for him because it meant he would leave me alone.
    Y
    ou are strong, even when you don’t feel it. You have survived him, crazy, life as a child. You are stronger than you can imagine even if you can’t see it.
    You have taken the steps to break the binds of abuse. You are now in a position to raise your son knowing that what you have been through the past few years isn’t normal and is far from ok.
    I strongly encourage you to go to naranon/alanon. You will find others who have been right where you are now, and can help you on your journey of recovery.
    You got this momma, lots are on your site

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s