I’m not sure when it hit me or why it sunk in different this time. Every single time I think about how my life is on a completely different path now, my heart starts to race. The tears of losing a relationship that has turned my life into a whirlwind still seem to form in my swollen eyes. It’s not just about losing my boyfriend, or about my best friend but it’s about how I have to change a mindset towards a person that has been in my life for 28 years, the first guy that caught my attention at the age of ten, the guy who wasn’t just some guy I was in church choir with but the guy that became my first boyfriend, my first real kiss, someone who I considered a friend over the decades , a guy who I always thought about and wondered if he thought about me too, the first guy I can actually say I ever truly loved.
Last night in the brightest moonlight in decades is when I realized it was really over. His texts that sounded like he loves me still and the same lines about him changing this time didn’t seem to hit me the same. My heart didn’t seem to beat harder , the tears didn’t even show up to the party of vicious texts both of us have become so good at. The ups and downs this time just was old habit on both of our parts.
I kept saying over and over last night to myself ” I’m single. “. Single the initial thought of it makes me feel very lonely inside but it instantly felt better then how empty the other option felt. Breaking up is never easy especially when both parties seem to be on totally different pages. Accepting the fact that he will never understand all the pain he put me through is much harder to do this time compared to other relationships. But at last , I am single so time to shake off any depression and start getting ready to travel my new path. I am SO scared about the future about the reality of this life but who knows maybe it will end up pleasantly surprising me. Either way it won’t be worse then my last crazy two years!
Until another day,
A Dented Can