A new week

Over the last long three years I have been in what I call an thrill ride of a relationship. Everything about the relationship felt like a roller coaster from the excitement to the stomach dropping sickness! 

Most of my adult life I have been a single, independent, loud mouthed, outgoing, fun , sexy , crazy woman. My life had some real ups and real downs but I was independent. By myself and I raised my children without men in and out of my home.  Then one day I got this Facebook request from my first kiss, my first crush…. you know that guy that you kind of always thought about? 

I knew before I even got together with him for a quick hangout he was no good. It took him trying for over 8 months for me to finally give into coffee. Not that I didn’t like a bad ass but I knew all the crazy stories about him and even though I only knew him as a 13 years old kid … 20 plus years had passed , he trafficked cocaine, he had stories with all the ladies, he spent 6 years behind bars so nothing good would come out of coffee except catching up with an old friend who after texting for 6 + months seemed to be the old Pete I remembered. 

I remember getting ready to go meet him down by the river maybe smoke a joint and chat. As I was walking out the door he called… it was the first time we talked .. we only texted for months. His voice , his tone made my stomach drop…. I wanted to go meet him more then ever now for some reason it was like his voice put a spell on me. 

That’s joint down by the river turned into the most amazing , heart capturing, falling somehow in love, most passionate, crazy 6 weeks ever. Everything about him was like a spell…. then I started to see he liked herion, subs, blues, coke, anything that he could stick up his nose he did. As fast as I feel in love was as quick as that part of the relationship ended. Less then two months and this guy found a way into my head. So much that even though I wouldn’t sleep with him again every few weeks I would take time to go smoke a joint with him. That was the extent of what I could give him for over 9 months…

I explained in other posts about our crazy relationship but all it took was one kiss and I was back under his spell. This time the roller coaster ride wasn’t so fun. He said all the right things , yet he never bought me one gift , one flower, or even one date in the three years since that spell binding kiss. 

You would think being left without a place to stay pregnant because herion and drugs and his own selfishness was more important then my own  pregnant needs but one month before Ben arrived he pulled it together and got us a place. 

I have always wanted to believe in love and when someone seems to finally do right I can usually be forgiving especially if we come to an agreement that the herion, drugs and anybody associated with drugs stayed away from our new beginning………

It took less then 3 weeks after the baby was born for him to fail a piss test for crack/cocaine and get put behind hartford walls because he is on parole.  Even though he lied and swore the test was wrong, I knew then how this situation was going to continue. While he was behind the wall, he never was worried about me and the new baby surviving but he needed me to beg people for money to buy himself a tv and get more food. I think he borrowed 3k in the four months he was in there. 

( Here are my loves, why I am going to keep fighting, to make this right for them)

(Benji)




He came out and it was more of the same crap, money disappeared, side jobs didn’t pay the same, him supporting the house became him disappearing most of the summer and having us fall behind on rent. By the time the end of October came around our relationship was over , I did right by him for as long as I could and finally gave up and left. 

Again he was willing to show me he could change. He quit smoking, started counseling, was going to the doctors to get help. He was cranky , he became very lazy and stopped working and our relationship became more distant. Still no flowers after three years , still no gifts or celebrations for anything to do with me. Even the sex was purely selfish… I fell far out of love but he was finally doing right by the boys and even though I didn’t love him I was gonna finally stick it out.. well maybe ? 

I knew by his violence , his demeanor, the way he talked down to me, the way he ignored me that something started changing in February. I watched him start to do coke on a weekly weekend thing but I never expected him to pulled what he did. 

He took every penny of the taxes, including my sons earned income credit ( the kid isn’t even his), cut off the cable, soon my phone, left me with no money even though I have a one year old kid. I found out from the landlord I’m 4K behind in rent, no bills have been paid for months, and he won’t even help watch his son. 

I will make it through, I will waitress, I will beg, I will survive this and my kids will come out stronger. Lesson learned that even the smartest females can get played for a fool or about 10k in money… 

So I have decided to keep my head up , have faith in life and good will, get my life back on track and never look back. If anyone wants to help donate even $5.00 for food, diapers, I have to get a car, somehow pay the back rent, keep the lights on, while fighting this guy for full custody I would greatly appreciate it. 

My PayPal account is paypal.me/HeatherSmollen. Anyone that does will one day get a free copy of my crazy life’s story I promise! 

Till another day !

A Dented Can!

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