A new week

Over the last long three years I have been in what I call an thrill ride of a relationship. Everything about the relationship felt like a roller coaster from the excitement to the stomach dropping sickness! 

Most of my adult life I have been a single, independent, loud mouthed, outgoing, fun , sexy , crazy woman. My life had some real ups and real downs but I was independent. By myself and I raised my children without men in and out of my home.  Then one day I got this Facebook request from my first kiss, my first crush…. you know that guy that you kind of always thought about? 

I knew before I even got together with him for a quick hangout he was no good. It took him trying for over 8 months for me to finally give into coffee. Not that I didn’t like a bad ass but I knew all the crazy stories about him and even though I only knew him as a 13 years old kid … 20 plus years had passed , he trafficked cocaine, he had stories with all the ladies, he spent 6 years behind bars so nothing good would come out of coffee except catching up with an old friend who after texting for 6 + months seemed to be the old Pete I remembered. 

I remember getting ready to go meet him down by the river maybe smoke a joint and chat. As I was walking out the door he called… it was the first time we talked .. we only texted for months. His voice , his tone made my stomach drop…. I wanted to go meet him more then ever now for some reason it was like his voice put a spell on me. 

That’s joint down by the river turned into the most amazing , heart capturing, falling somehow in love, most passionate, crazy 6 weeks ever. Everything about him was like a spell…. then I started to see he liked herion, subs, blues, coke, anything that he could stick up his nose he did. As fast as I feel in love was as quick as that part of the relationship ended. Less then two months and this guy found a way into my head. So much that even though I wouldn’t sleep with him again every few weeks I would take time to go smoke a joint with him. That was the extent of what I could give him for over 9 months…

I explained in other posts about our crazy relationship but all it took was one kiss and I was back under his spell. This time the roller coaster ride wasn’t so fun. He said all the right things , yet he never bought me one gift , one flower, or even one date in the three years since that spell binding kiss. 

You would think being left without a place to stay pregnant because herion and drugs and his own selfishness was more important then my own  pregnant needs but one month before Ben arrived he pulled it together and got us a place. 

I have always wanted to believe in love and when someone seems to finally do right I can usually be forgiving especially if we come to an agreement that the herion, drugs and anybody associated with drugs stayed away from our new beginning………

It took less then 3 weeks after the baby was born for him to fail a piss test for crack/cocaine and get put behind hartford walls because he is on parole.  Even though he lied and swore the test was wrong, I knew then how this situation was going to continue. While he was behind the wall, he never was worried about me and the new baby surviving but he needed me to beg people for money to buy himself a tv and get more food. I think he borrowed 3k in the four months he was in there. 

( Here are my loves, why I am going to keep fighting, to make this right for them)

(Benji)




He came out and it was more of the same crap, money disappeared, side jobs didn’t pay the same, him supporting the house became him disappearing most of the summer and having us fall behind on rent. By the time the end of October came around our relationship was over , I did right by him for as long as I could and finally gave up and left. 

Again he was willing to show me he could change. He quit smoking, started counseling, was going to the doctors to get help. He was cranky , he became very lazy and stopped working and our relationship became more distant. Still no flowers after three years , still no gifts or celebrations for anything to do with me. Even the sex was purely selfish… I fell far out of love but he was finally doing right by the boys and even though I didn’t love him I was gonna finally stick it out.. well maybe ? 

I knew by his violence , his demeanor, the way he talked down to me, the way he ignored me that something started changing in February. I watched him start to do coke on a weekly weekend thing but I never expected him to pulled what he did. 

He took every penny of the taxes, including my sons earned income credit ( the kid isn’t even his), cut off the cable, soon my phone, left me with no money even though I have a one year old kid. I found out from the landlord I’m 4K behind in rent, no bills have been paid for months, and he won’t even help watch his son. 

I will make it through, I will waitress, I will beg, I will survive this and my kids will come out stronger. Lesson learned that even the smartest females can get played for a fool or about 10k in money… 

So I have decided to keep my head up , have faith in life and good will, get my life back on track and never look back. If anyone wants to help donate even $5.00 for food, diapers, I have to get a car, somehow pay the back rent, keep the lights on, while fighting this guy for full custody I would greatly appreciate it. 

My PayPal account is paypal.me/HeatherSmollen. Anyone that does will one day get a free copy of my crazy life’s story I promise! 

Till another day !

A Dented Can!

My path

Have you ever come to the end of a road and just thought Damn! You know the road that had such beautiful rose bushes and a blissful breeze that smelled like heaven in the beginning. Then you come to your first hill that didn’t seem to tough to climb, somehow on your way up that hill you lose your footing and slip but everything is so pretty you brush it off! Miles pass there are beautiful sights all around like mountains in the distant, deer playing peacefully in fields near by , birds chirping songs that you start to sing along with…….. as you are singing the path seems to change without you noticing but at some point you realize you are having a hard time singing because you need to catch your breath. You stop and look around. Now you are on a ledge of a cliff with only darkness around, night is falling and you aren’t safe. With all your strength you get to the top of that cliff with all your blood , sweat , tears you climb to the top and you look out and see all the dangers you missed below. When daylight comes you see how far you traveled down this not so beautiful but dangerous path. After miles of mud and pricker bushes you come to your clearing. Well I’m finally at the end of that road…. now where will my travels takes me?

The real struggles of the holidays…

Being alone doesn’t me there is no physical people around you. It means that you feel like there is no one to lean on or depend on, that you are in it by yourself. Imagine for a moment that everything in you life was falling apart due to your poor choices or lack there of better choices. Imagine what you would feel like if you had a child under one, and a teenage boy in your house but you had no job, no car to get to a job, no money saved to buy a car, no help from any relative to help with daycare or rides. Now imagine having an ex who can’t keep his life together so he is worthless, having three sisters that live within 15 mins but refuse to even acknowledge you are struggling , a father and mother within 5 miles of your house who would rather believe untruths then help and if anything when they do help the put your deeper in a hole, no husband or support system to ask for help, and a lack of credit because you have struggled for 20 years to get by on a daily basis. Now imagine the holidays are here and having to put on a brave face for your oldest children so they don’t see how bad things really are. Knowing there is no way to get to a job interview or even pay for someone to watch the baby to go on a interview. Just finding rides to the laundry mat and groceries is hard enough and uses the little child support that you have. Knowing that you might not be able to buy diapers or put food on the table forget presents or even a roof over their heads. Going to state only helps enough to put a bandage on the situation. The only real fix would be a car or a person who was willing to help drive you around and maybe somone to help babysit. 

Which in my reality doesn’t exist. What I really need this time is a miracle, I’m finding no way out of this hole and the more I try to dig out of it the more the dirt buries me deeper. This time it’s not only burying me but my two youngest kids. It sucks not having a partner but not having a family or a support system at all is going to cause me to continue to get stuck. Doesn’t it take a village to raise a child..???? Well I’m one person raising a village. 

Like always I will keep a positive outlook and hope for the best. Maybe a job will land in my lap that will be within walking distance. Maybe I can find someone to help me watch the baby . I will continue to keep faith but after being a single mom in this system for over 20 years, I don’t know where else to turn .. what else to do. Let’s hope for a Christmas miracle because I truly need one about now.

Like always ,

A Dented Can

Reality of life

I’m not sure when it hit me or why it sunk in different this time. Every single time I think about how my life is on a completely different path now, my heart starts to race. The tears of losing a relationship that has turned my life into a whirlwind still seem to form in my swollen eyes. It’s not just about losing my boyfriend, or about my best friend but it’s about how I have to change a mindset towards a person that has been in my life for 28 years, the first guy that caught my attention at the age of ten, the guy who wasn’t just some guy I was in church choir with but the guy that became my first boyfriend, my first real kiss, someone who I considered a friend over the decades , a guy who I always thought about and wondered if he thought about me too, the first guy I can actually say I ever truly loved.

Last night in the brightest moonlight in decades is when I realized it was really over. His texts that sounded like he loves me still and the same lines about him changing this time didn’t seem to hit me the same. My heart didn’t seem to beat harder , the tears didn’t even show up to the party of vicious texts both of us have become so good at. The ups and downs this time just was old habit on both of our parts.

I kept saying over and over last night to myself ” I’m single. “. Single the initial thought of it makes me feel very lonely inside but it instantly felt better then how empty the other option felt.  Breaking up is never easy especially when both parties seem to be on totally different pages. Accepting the fact that he will never understand all the pain he put me through is much harder to do this time compared to other relationships.  But  at last , I am single so time to shake off any depression and start getting ready to travel my new path. I am SO scared about the future about the reality of this life but who knows maybe it will end up pleasantly surprising me. Either way it won’t be worse then my last crazy two years!

Until another day,

A Dented Can

What depression is…

So I’m dealing with a situation that is causing me to battle my depression harder then normal. In my head I don’t want to hurt myself… in my heart the pain is so bad that I feel like shattered glass is inside my soul. I try to smile and tears roll down instead. I can handle not having my family , a father, sisters, a mother but to lose another person I held close was like the breaking point. 

For the last month or two I watched him use drugs I saw how he acted. What he failed to see during his new state of mind was how he acted. My world starting becoming two different relationships. One that in front of people he treated me like a queen. When he wasn’t craving or angry he loved me with more love then I ever felt. Sadly the wind changed directions and then it was like winter. He became cold and mean, he expected more and when not given it I was worthless. Comment started with calling me mediocre, calling me my mother, insulting my good behavior, he would punish me by doing stuff that would hurt me .. mentioning how I had three kids by three dads and pointing out how sick I must be to do that. Every flaw I have he hit upon.. then the wind changed again and he would be sweet and kind and tell me he loves me. Every time the wind changed directions he became worse… now I know how this plays out. 

Last year he left me homeless and pregnant until two weeks before I had Ben. Then four weeks into having Ben he failed a drug test and went back to jail on a violation for four months. I know what will keep happening if I sit here and watch the seasons change without doing anything… 

So I gave up, I left thinking it would be better. Every move I make he finds a way to make my life harder , he wants to hurt me… why doesn’t he see it? My heart is shattered , why grind the glass deeper into my soul. Don’t I deserve happiness? 

If you ask him he will say yes I do but if you watch his actions you will see he is putting road blocks up so I can’t recover without him. 

So now I am here with an apartment I can’t afford this months rent, no car because he needed it more, no job, no internet because he cut that off today , and $20 in my pocket to figure out how I’m going to get back on my feet with a ten month old.

This is one of those times I have to take shit and magically make it into lemonade … yet I’m so broken with nothing I don’t even have the money to buy the lemons… 

Breaking up is hard, having a broken heart that was already made of glass hurts deeper then you can imagine.. recovering from losing everything and having not one family member to turn to for help… devastating.

This is what depression looks like.. it hurts, its ugly and I hope I find my strength to beat it but I’m having a hard time finding a reason to keep fighting. 

A Dented Can

The Life as a Dented Can.

Most of the people that are here are here because of my mother. In this blog I’m going to talk about my whole life my mother, my father, my sisters, but most of all I’m going to talk about my life and how I’m feeling and how I’m handling this crazy world I’ve been given.

I was a dented can right out of the factory. I have come to realize that no matter what label I wear on the outside, I am always going to be dented underneath it all.

Don’t forget to follow me here.. I’m almost at 500 followers … Help me get there by adding your email below!  

We all need a little more LOVE

We all need a little more LOVE

I think we all can admit no matter what political side you’re on there has been a great deal of bullshit in this country over the last few years. There has been mass shootings, bombings, we are dealing with major race issues, as well as sexuality issues and the list could go on. If you turn on the TV all you see is crazy stuff happening and no matter what you believe , what political side you stand on the facts remain ………. THIS COUNTRY IS IN major TROUBLE!!!!! I watch friends on Facebook take a side……Clinton or Trump, black lives or blue lives, even to stand or kneel issues but what I’m not finding on Facebook or other places is the majority of Americans that aren’t on a side. As an American I live in the land of the free right? But do we? 

I can’t help but wonder what happens come the new year and the new presidency? Let’s all be honest we are in South Park episode …… Do we choose the Douche or the Turd sandwich? If the Douche wins will we stop all the hatred? If the Turd sandwich wins will we find a solution to what’s happening with American lives Black or Blue? What I do know is none of us can predict what’s going to happen but we can take more of a stand against the hate! 

What we need to see is Americans standing strong and together no matter what idiot is about to become our new president. Even if you’re for the douche bag or the turd sandwich at some point we need to stop looking at each other with so much hate. Stop judging your friend based on which side they are on whether they are kneeling or standing, if they are voting Trump or Hillary, if the agree with black lives or blue lives. See the problem is we take a side and we decide that if you are taking a different side you are wrong or bad but the truth is all you are doing is feeding into the hate.

Take it from me I come from a world of hate and all it does is ruin and breakdown any foundation you have. So today lets all take a moment and do something that will fight against the hate in this country. Stand up against choosing a side and realize we all matter! Show some love to a Hillary fan if your a Trump fan and vise versa. If you are protesting black violence bring an officer in blue something for all their hardworking. Just simply take a moment and take someone out of what ever category you put them in today and show them some love. Whatever you do take some time to show your fellow human that not everything is ugly  and evil and today lets stand together and stop all the nasty hate. The only one solution that heals hate ……. LOVE!!!!!!

So I will end my current rant with this. From my house to your house whether you are black, blue, red , purple, green or yellow. Whether you agree with Trump or Hillary. I love you all for the support you have shown me and the courage you all have given me and most of all for the love you have taught me. Let’s all show some love for our human race and stop the hate! 

A Dented Can